i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
