Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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