My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
