Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
