So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
