Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
