There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
