Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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