a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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