I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
