I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
