Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I met the friendliest cop last night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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