I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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