After last night, I could never be a politician.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
