I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
