pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
