I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
