I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
