I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Umm I'm too high to move.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
