I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
