He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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