goodnight i made you a song goodbye
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
