Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
