I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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