i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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