New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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