If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
