I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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