don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
