A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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