im drinking this country out of the recession.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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