farters have to be the big spoon...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Randomize
