Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
