So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
