So drunk its hurt
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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