I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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