wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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