Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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