I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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