***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
