So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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