ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
