Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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