fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
