We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you will always have a special place in my vag
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
