I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
