I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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