70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
