i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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