Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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