Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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