I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
