Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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