Your face is a jimmy john
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
