I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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