So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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