woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im just a social blackout drinker.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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