i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
