i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
