I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
