Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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