The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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