I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my shit smells like andre
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
