end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
