I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
