I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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