Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
